life is no nintendo game

Growing up a middle-class, white kid from the Burbs in the late 90's one thing came natural ~ liking Eminem (don't hate). I think it might embedded in my DNA or fed to me through subliminal messages or maybe it was forced down my throat by MTV. I remember the nights working in restaurants and any time you had a white line cook you WOULD hear at some point the Marshall Mathers LP! I say all this because I never got rid of that white kid... and the other day we were listening to the new Recovery CD (not bad by the way). But as I listened to Love the Way Lie on repeat a line hit me, "life is no nintento game."

Before Eminem, I had an NES system. Game of choice, Contra. I could play it for hours. The best thing about Nintento games is that no matter what you do you always come back to this screen. You can play for hours, you can mess up as many times as you want to, die and you always end up back here....

Life is quite so kind. One mistake is one too many. Mess up, there's no reset button. The decisions we are making MATTER. Your life at this very moment MATTERS. This is it. As a famous musician once so eloquently put it "if you had one shot, or one opportunity, To seize everything you ever wanted - One moment, Would you capture it or just let it slip?" We can't get to a point in our life we look back with disgust at the we lived, at the decisions we made. We can't live our whole life feeling guilty.

There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present." Life is no Nintento game. Today is a blessing, what are you doing with it?

Waking Up

I'm not a morning person. Never have been. I'll never forget one time being in middle school-ish and my Dad picking me out of bed, setting me in the bath tub and turning the cold shower on (although he would probably deny ever doing such a thing).

Its been a busy summer, and I haven't had much sleep. My wife has been trying to help me keep m job by not letting me sleep til noon this past week, but in doing so she has been given the horrific task of waking me up. This morning, she began round one with an angelic 'good morning.' It really couldn't have been said any nicer, and I think at that point I might have growled. As I laid there awaking, all I could think about was Amber calling and saying 'good morning my little rosebud, its time to blossom.'

I know I've mentioned this before, but the things that matter most in life aren't how nice your house is, or even if you have a house. Its not the fact that you drive a Volo or Geo Metro. Its not how much stock you have or looking through your car for enough to grab some fast food. Life is made of little precious moments, that we take for granted each and every day. The housing market has crashed, my trusty red jeep has given out on me yet (but is close) and all that eating out made me fat, but I would give every penny in world to wake up to a phone call from Amber.

Happy Birthday Gosh!

gone fishing

its that time of year again. fishing time. i took some kids in the youth group the other day. caught a ton of fish. had a great time. never really sure what drove me to fishing. just always thought it was peaceful. it was my great escape.

anyways... fishing was always an opportunity to spend time with the people who were close to you and still is to this day.

i recently bought a new camera. dont want to let any of life's precious moments to slip through my fingers. i needed a little memory stick and remembered an old one i had back in the day. found it. had some great pics on it. teared up a good bit. but smiled at the same time. wanted to share these with yall. hope you enjoy.

fear

I think one of the worst aftereffects of losing a loved one, is living the rest of your life in fear. It still bothers me when Jenny leaves on a road trip, I try not to let it show. But you can't stop your mind from wandering. All you can think of are the what-ifs. The tragic always outweighs the happily ever afters. When people tell me they're coming to see me, I always tell them to be safe, not out of politeness but because inside me I'm genuinely concerned that there's that chance that something bad can happen. I don't like to not tell people how much I love them because the fact that this is the last time you might ever see that person is REAL.

And now that we're expecting a baby girl, the scenarios that play in my head are haunting. I keep imagining myself in my father's shoes. I try to invent ways to protect my family, but we are truly so powerless as people. Life has to be lived, bad things will happen. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm at an impasse. On one side I see an over protective father not letting his child live their life and on the other I see a man who lives in constant fear that he'll get a late night phone call.

I hope and pray each night that I can be the best father I can be. That my tragedy only helps me love her more. I will always be afraid of losing those who are closest to me.....

Amber Grace Vego

I have a little girl who is due at the beginning of August. I'm going to name her Amber Grace Vego in honor of my sister. It's something I struggled with, I just didn't know if I could emotionally having a little blonde-haired little girl named Amber running around the house without losing it once in a while (assuming she has blonde hair). But the second Jenny and I saw the ultrasound it just felt right.

This is another one of those huge steps in life where grief hurts the most. You think about little Amber never being able to going shopping with crazy Aunt Amber or the gifts I know she would have showered upon her or maybe the stories that would be told to her as she got a little older. It sucks that she'll never get the chance to meet one of the coolest people I ever knew. She'll never get to laugh the way she could make me laugh. To cry the way she could make me cry.

I guess I'm writing this to say Aunt Amber, we love you!

trying to hold on

I've had the same cell phone for years. There are few things in this world that I hate more than changing phones, I guess it's kind of sad but our cell phones are becoming part of who we are. You get used to always having it, the way t works, texting on it... and then you get the new one with all the technology you can't figure out how to use, the buttons are too far apart, the new ringtones suck. But I really hate saying goodbye to this phone because it has the last text messages Amber ever sent to me. I've known this day was coming for awhile and have been debating on what to do with the messages. I could hold on to the phone but it would just sit in the box of memories, so I decided to share some our last text with the world....

A couple of days before Amber's accident see came to Arkansas (where I was living at the time) and started texting me on the way there.

While in Memphis, Amber: "I sure wish I had a thrift store shopping partner today"

one of our favorite things to do was thrift store shop. i stumbled upon in high school and feel in love. it became mine and her therapy. when she or i would have a bad day we would hop in the jeep and head for midtown. we could spend hours and not buy a thing and just enjoy the time we had together. later after she went off to mtsu, she would always bring me stuff home from the thrift stores up there. she had it down to an art.

We talked a little about church and she told they were crossing the bridge into Arkansas. She expressed to me how bored she was and started talking about dinner. I asked here what she was hungry for.

Amber: "Mexican, seafood, a good salad. I dont really care"

If thrift store shopping was our hobby, eating was our occupation. Its what we did, it was who we were. The question wasnt are we going out to eat, but where. How could we ever forget those meals. Salmon at J Alexanders, a salad at McCalisters, some good Mexican food. Even something like a meal together can become a memory that lasts forever. I just wish I could continually remind myself that I ever I time I sit down for dinner.

We talked about Gadge. About dinner. About "his jenny".

Those last couple of days were so incredible. They were fun, stupid, we went antique shopping for rocking chairs, thrift store shopping, platos closet, ate some good meals, watched some tv, played in the backyard with the puppy dogs, walked around and talked about life, talked about relationships and the future. Its so weird. We had one of those big brother, little sister moments right before she left about what she wanted in life. Never once did it cross my mind that I would be hugging her for the last time.

Its time to get rid of the phone. Sometimes its hard, but necessary, to let go of grieving stuff but that doesn't mean that the memories are gone. Its so hard to clean out that closet or even to walk in the attic. But what are we really holding on to? Amber isnt a text message or an old shirt, but thats what its seems like she became.

Hold on to the right things.

tuning it all out

I tend to stay busy. Real busy. I usually come home exhausted (yes, even though youth ministers don't work). I constantly keep my mind stimulated; work, books, tv, video games, computers. . . I couldn't tell you the last time I did nothing (when I say nothing I mean go out without an ipod, lay down without the tv or book, do something without a hidden agenda).

I think I'm afraid of what my mind has to offer, of the thoughts or memories that could creep in. As long as I keep pressing forward, I'm too busy too turn around at look behind me. This neck-breaking speed can't be good for anyone. And I'm not getting anywhere faster.

I'm tuning it out. I'm constantly on people about not giving up after loss, but am I really doing any better. I have just chosen a different defense mechanism. Something I'm more comfortable with and makes me look better. I have to quit tuning life out, quit tuning grief out, quit tuning out the things in life that make me happy.