Tuesday, December 22, 2009

expect much?

This world is full of expectations. People are full of expectations. You're full of expectations.

It wasn't too long in the grieving that I realized people were beginning to expect me to be 'better', that it's about time to be normal again. Soon I realized people's expectations were becoming my own. Days had gone by, then it was weeks, months followed soon behind, and I was still in pain.

I went to my first grief counseling group secession (yeah a year and a half after Amber passed away). Tonight the counselor said something, he told me I can't expect too much out of myself. There is so much pressure on us, to be the people that other people want us to be. So many expectations, some realistic, some not. Expectations do influence who we are as people, but should they? I can't expect that today is the day that I find the new norm. I am where I am. I have to accept that. We have to start accepting people for who they are not who we expect them to be. Maybe then could you see the real new norm.

Saturday, December 5, 2009


25 today. Its hard to think of not being able to call her and sing her happy birthday today, because I know that's what see what have done for me. Its days like today when you think about how short life can be. I still take so much for granted. Still watch pass me by. Who would have ever thought I would spend Amber's birthday crying in the front yard and blogging about how hard life is?

She would hate this. Amber always made a situation better. If was a sad day, she would make you laugh; a tough day, she would carry your burden; a sad day, she was the shoulder to cry on. . . No matter how dark or bleak the day would look, the air changed when she walked into the room.

I hope that we can always remember Amber on days like today. I hope we can remember the life that she led and look back and smile. Not only that I hope we can look forward to the years, days or seconds to come and lead the lives that would make her happy, that would make us happy. Lives of happiness, joy, and love. She was such a passionate person, let us follow in suit!

Happy Birthday Amber

I will always love you,

your lil brother!