These are the notes that I posted on facebook:
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 6:22pm
Notes? This is laughable, almost pathetic but I need to say something.... I hope it to be somewhat therapeutic, hope.
I know this note is scattered but so am I right now. I keep rethinking my whole life everytime I slow down. When I close my eyes I see her face. I question everything. Did I say enough, what if, why... But questions get me nowhere.
I cry. I cry a lot. I'm not a crier, yet I can't stop. I've always prided myself in being someone strong, but in one phone call I was brought to my knees. I couldn't breath, I walked around dry heaving, my legs weak, my heart felt like it had ripped out. I had no idea what to do. The next week was a blur. Every picture I see when, any memory, I can't turn on the radio or watch TV without something reminded me of her.
I don't know if irony is the right word but the last 3 years of my life have been spent preparing myself to be a Christian counselor; my senior seminar project was on how human suffering cannot disprove the existence of God. Yet I can't concentrate long enough to think of how any of this can be of any use.
I do know that I couldn't have asked for a better sister and comfortable in that I have always strove to be the best big brother that I could always be and know that she appreciated it. I knew my little sister well. I wish I had known her better. Amber taught me so much throughout life. She took care of me more than I have deserved.
I know how awkward it can be walking up and not knowing what to say, but I wanted to thank all of you mustered the courage to do it. There are so many faces that I haven't seen since high school that showed up to pay respect and it means so much. I've never seen or met someone who has touched as many of lives as my sister did and she did it all in 23 years...
Thank you all for everything.....
Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 6:33pm
You can't help yourself to think of all the what ifs. The 'what might have beens' slap you in the face every waking moment. The inability to control the world around mocks just how weak we truly are. The Thanksgiving plans you were trying to make, the Christmas vacations, the thoughts of our children running around the living room together make you realize how precious time is. We pretend like we have all the time in the world. Like we do control our destiny, HA.
If I was given a second chance how would I do everything differently? The questions will have to remain unanswered for now, as much I can't stand it. But if there is anything I hope everyone can take for this; "Carpe diem! Seize the day, boys! Make your lives extraordinary!" (That's a quote from the Dead Poet's Society). Start living. We can only hope to make it to 90, there are no guarantees.
Life is too short to be walking around mad at the world, too short to hold grudges, too short not to tell someone you love them... Life is just too short. It wasn't long ago me and Amber sat there talking about how crazy it was that we were growing old. All our friends were getting married, starting families, and getting real jobs. I guess what I'm getting at in cliche note #2 is that life is too short and maybe it's time that we start acting it.
Smile. Tell those close to you that you love them. Hug someone you love when you see them it don't if it will be the last time.
I guess I just miss my friend
Wednesday, September 10, 2008 at 2:34am
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." ~ Red
Again I can't sleep. I feel like the narrator in Fight Club,"For six months I couldn't sleep. With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy … of a copy … of a copy." I keep telling myself that this will all get easier, but it doesn't. I watch movies, read books, stare into the darkness, but every morning I wake up thinking I need to call her.
I have nightmares every night replaying old moments in my tormenting myself on whether or not I did enough. I want the nightmares to go away, I want to stop thinking about her but these memories are all I have anymore. So I'm scared to lose them. I hold on, the pain is almost self -nflicted.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I try to put on a happy face and walk through my life like a normal person, I'm still not sure if people can tell when they look at me whether or not I'm ready to cry at any given moment. I read a grief counseling book that has helped some, it's encouraged me to talk about everything which doesn't seem to help but I reluctantly oblige. I figured I would try to get back into writing my cliché notes, this being number 3.
Before I end this note I have to mention the quote from the beginning, for all those movie buffs out there it is from the Shawshank Redemption. I heard it and couldn't help but to think of Amber (I'm still not too particularly comfortable using her name?). But I guess that’s all there is to it; "I guess I just miss my friend." I miss having that person to call when you can't tell something else. I need that little sister to go shopping with me because I'm not capable of picking out a skirt for my wife. I need her to come visit me and bring that crazy dog with her. She was that person. She was the person I could call whenever, that laughed at my stupid jokes, that would tell me that they weren't funny afterwards, that would make Thanksgiving bearable by feeding the over salted food to the dogs. I miss my friend.