Sunday, February 7, 2010

tuning it all out

I tend to stay busy. Real busy. I usually come home exhausted (yes, even though youth ministers don't work). I constantly keep my mind stimulated; work, books, tv, video games, computers. . . I couldn't tell you the last time I did nothing (when I say nothing I mean go out without an ipod, lay down without the tv or book, do something without a hidden agenda).

I think I'm afraid of what my mind has to offer, of the thoughts or memories that could creep in. As long as I keep pressing forward, I'm too busy too turn around at look behind me. This neck-breaking speed can't be good for anyone. And I'm not getting anywhere faster.

I'm tuning it out. I'm constantly on people about not giving up after loss, but am I really doing any better. I have just chosen a different defense mechanism. Something I'm more comfortable with and makes me look better. I have to quit tuning life out, quit tuning grief out, quit tuning out the things in life that make me happy.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

my muchacha

So here are 1.5 years later and Amber still manages to be the first and last thing I think about everyday. I find myself grasping at straws.. a song comes on the radio we both liked-- it must be her sending me a sign, I dream about her and I convince myself it was her really wanting to hang out. It can be quite pathetic at times, but its all we have. I watched our Senior video over and over just to see clips of her in motion. It seems more real than a picture.
I feel like i should be "better," but what does this entail. We just have to learn to live with this new normal even though most days I am not a big fan of this new life. My life is now defined as "life before Amber" and "life after" and they are drastically different. When she was alive I never realized how important she was to me and how valuable she had been to my life. I can say I am a better person because of her death, but sometimes I feel like Im the only one who has learned a lesson. It is very frustrating. So many people we know are still out their risking their lives and hurting others despite the knowledge that life can be taken so quickly.
I could ramble on for hours about her and for this I am greatful. I like knowing that she will remain on my mind and in my heart for the rest of my life. This has been such a surreal process and continues to be a life lesson. I met a guy whose son had died 19 years ago in a car accident. His son was the only one killed in the wreck. He talked about his son as if he were alive yesterday and the emotions of the wreck came flooding back in an istant. He was crying within in 5 minutes of talking about him. He glowed when he talked about how wonderful he was and became enraged as he thought more about the wreck. It was refreshing to see someon share the same emotions I feel daily. It is a bittersweet thought to think in 19 years I will still be crying and emotional about our loss. This dad said he still thinks about his son first thing every morning and he too grasps onto dreams of him. So us grievers are not alone, even though it often feels like we are.