Thursday, April 29, 2010

fear

I think one of the worst aftereffects of losing a loved one, is living the rest of your life in fear. It still bothers me when Jenny leaves on a road trip, I try not to let it show. But you can't stop your mind from wandering. All you can think of are the what-ifs. The tragic always outweighs the happily ever afters. When people tell me they're coming to see me, I always tell them to be safe, not out of politeness but because inside me I'm genuinely concerned that there's that chance that something bad can happen. I don't like to not tell people how much I love them because the fact that this is the last time you might ever see that person is REAL.

And now that we're expecting a baby girl, the scenarios that play in my head are haunting. I keep imagining myself in my father's shoes. I try to invent ways to protect my family, but we are truly so powerless as people. Life has to be lived, bad things will happen. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm at an impasse. On one side I see an over protective father not letting his child live their life and on the other I see a man who lives in constant fear that he'll get a late night phone call.

I hope and pray each night that I can be the best father I can be. That my tragedy only helps me love her more. I will always be afraid of losing those who are closest to me.....

2 comments:

  1. I dont even like Bob to leave the house. I constantly play the worse case scenario in my head. My friends and family are not allowed to call after 8 because I immediately assume the worse otherwise. It is a terrible feeling, but it also ensures that everyone around you knows how much you love them.The anxiety that comes with losing a loved one can be unbearable at times, but is part of my new normal.
    Ross, you'll be a wonderful father. You have learned from the best!! And with the Lord on your side you can do anything

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  2. thanks for the words of encouragement

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