It's amazing what 5 hours in the car alone can do to someone. How your thoughts can wander around the world and back while you are stuck behind the wheel of that car. Thinking, I found, has been one of hardest parts of the healing process. The memories are precious, I wouldn't trade the thoughts of the time my sister graced this earth for the world. But I feel torn. If I want to move forward it will have to be without her, therefore I refuse to leave but life can stop here and now. Amber wouldn't want it that way. I know she would blow me a kiss and bid me farewell. She would want to continue on. (I know I will always have the memories. I know that part of her will always be with me. But it’s not enough.)
As I was driving I kept thinking of thinking. Has it helped my healing? Has it hindered? What does it mean to heal? Is there even such a thing? But as I was thinking I recalled a C. S. Lewis quote:
Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it.' But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.
C.S. Lewis
Life will truly never be the same. Like the amputee there will never be day that I wake up and forget that my leg is no longer there. Those memories will always serve as reminders that she is no longer with us.
I try to find positivity in everyday and every situation that I am blessed with but that’s easier said then done. I would love to greet every morning with a smile, I would like to end everyday with a prayer of thanks, but I will always have that stump to remind me. (I understand that the wound is still fresh and I’m still angry.) The pain is all too familiar. But I hope, I pray that I can learn to appreciate life as a one-legged man; that I can be truly thankful for the beauty that still surrounds me, the loved ones that still call and ask ‘how I’m doing,’ a wife that still laughs at my jokes and appreciates my immaturity.
Be kind to those who are hurting. Be patient with the people you love. Look to God when times get hard. Each day is a little better than the last. Some days bless me with laughter, some with tears. But each day is a blessing. Thank you everyone for your love and support.
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