I Cried Again Today

It's been a while since I broke down. This morning was just too much for me too handle. I cried. As I mentioned before in these blogs one of the hardest parts for me has been these dreams, last night was no exception. I've talked to quite a few people about the grief dreams, some people love them and some do not. I understand the likeable part, it gives you one more chance to see that someone you loved, it feels so real, like they are really in you presence one more time. It makes sense why certain people cherish the dreams. But that first second as you wake up and begin to wonder what's going on, the grogginess still has control of you, reality hasn't set in yet, your reaching for the phone to call them (or feeling around the bed to see where they are.) Then in the following minutes your brain feels it necessary to remind you what the past year of your life has been like. Those are the minutes that I can't handle.

Last night I dreamt that Amber had gone to camp with me, and then my father had showed up. It was so real, like I was being given one last chance to spend with her. The scenic beauty that surrounded us, hearing her laugh at my corny jokes, sitting together making fun of every body. Waking up to reality is so upseting.

Side Note: I'm reading a book right now titled Every Day Deserves A Chance. Good book. It has really been helping a lot. It talks simply about eacha dn every day that we live on this earth is another day that God has made and it deserves the chance to be a good day. But on days like today I wonder if they even have a chance. I wish I could apprecaite those dreams as so many of you out there do. I wish that I could find comfort, but I'm just so selfish.

It's been almost a year and the forecast is still gloomy, the pain isn't any less real. I was told that only time could heal. I'm not sure healing is part of this process. I think its more of a coming to grips with this new normal. Sorry to be so sad, I will make the next blog a postive one.