fear

I think one of the worst aftereffects of losing a loved one, is living the rest of your life in fear. It still bothers me when Jenny leaves on a road trip, I try not to let it show. But you can't stop your mind from wandering. All you can think of are the what-ifs. The tragic always outweighs the happily ever afters. When people tell me they're coming to see me, I always tell them to be safe, not out of politeness but because inside me I'm genuinely concerned that there's that chance that something bad can happen. I don't like to not tell people how much I love them because the fact that this is the last time you might ever see that person is REAL.

And now that we're expecting a baby girl, the scenarios that play in my head are haunting. I keep imagining myself in my father's shoes. I try to invent ways to protect my family, but we are truly so powerless as people. Life has to be lived, bad things will happen. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm at an impasse. On one side I see an over protective father not letting his child live their life and on the other I see a man who lives in constant fear that he'll get a late night phone call.

I hope and pray each night that I can be the best father I can be. That my tragedy only helps me love her more. I will always be afraid of losing those who are closest to me.....

Amber Grace Vego

I have a little girl who is due at the beginning of August. I'm going to name her Amber Grace Vego in honor of my sister. It's something I struggled with, I just didn't know if I could emotionally having a little blonde-haired little girl named Amber running around the house without losing it once in a while (assuming she has blonde hair). But the second Jenny and I saw the ultrasound it just felt right.

This is another one of those huge steps in life where grief hurts the most. You think about little Amber never being able to going shopping with crazy Aunt Amber or the gifts I know she would have showered upon her or maybe the stories that would be told to her as she got a little older. It sucks that she'll never get the chance to meet one of the coolest people I ever knew. She'll never get to laugh the way she could make me laugh. To cry the way she could make me cry.

I guess I'm writing this to say Aunt Amber, we love you!