time

One year, 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes without her.

There is something daunting about this "anniversary." Our lives are based around time lines, i.e. we've dated for 3 years, we've known each other for 10 years, i graduate in 1 year, I've worked there for 2 years, and she has been gone 1 year. Your supposed to stop counting after a year right? It wouldn't be normal to say, "she's been gone 16 months." That to everyone else would be weird. But really, when you think about someone every single day you don't lose track of time. In fact time is all you have. The time you had with them and the time you will no longer get to spend with them.

In some respect I feel like I've been feeling this way forever, but it also feels like it was just yesterday I received the phone call. In fact, life for me now is known as before Amber died and life after Amber died because they are totally different things. And those who are grieving or have ever grieved know what I am talking about.

I have gotten used to this new normal, but that doesn't mean i like it. I have just learned to live with it. She is gone, I get that, but I don't accept it. So once again, time is the only thing that heals. But how much time are we talking? No one has the answer to that.

What I can tell you is that the void doesn't get smaller, the hurt doesn't lessen, and the love doesn't stop. Some days are better than others. Some days you can find the good in the situation, some you're angry and depressed, and some days you just don't get it. So the stages of grief must fluctuate.

One year isn't long enough to get over her, but its long enough to make her voice harder to hear, her hug harder to feel, and her smell harder to smell.. all of those little things we take for granted in everyday life. But everyday I try to picture her from head to toe to make sure I never forget. I dont think I could ever forget her, but I think its a common fear of those who have lost someone. We have our memories to hold on too and tight we will hold them.

Some things I remember...
1. her laugh
2. chewing her lip
3. her high ponytails and buns
4. jeans and flip flops
4. her tan
5. afrosheen for tanning lotion!
6. cherry chapstick
7. writing on her bedroom walls
8. texting
9. her made bed 24/7
10. putting on makeup together

I could go on and on and on. What a wonderful person she was and what a blessing she was to my life and everyone elses. She was the first to laugh and smile and the last to cry. She loved every story you told her (or at least pretended to) Everything was a big deal to her. She was ALWAYS right. She was amazing.

In time we will get adjusted to life without her, but NEVER will she be forgotten. Everyday there is a reminder of what happiness she brought into our lives. You can only pray and trust in God that he knows what he is doing. My girl made it to heaven in 23 years. If you ask me that's impressive as much as it hurts to be without her. She made it to where we all are trying to get.

Gosh

I Cried Again Today

It's been a while since I broke down. This morning was just too much for me too handle. I cried. As I mentioned before in these blogs one of the hardest parts for me has been these dreams, last night was no exception. I've talked to quite a few people about the grief dreams, some people love them and some do not. I understand the likeable part, it gives you one more chance to see that someone you loved, it feels so real, like they are really in you presence one more time. It makes sense why certain people cherish the dreams. But that first second as you wake up and begin to wonder what's going on, the grogginess still has control of you, reality hasn't set in yet, your reaching for the phone to call them (or feeling around the bed to see where they are.) Then in the following minutes your brain feels it necessary to remind you what the past year of your life has been like. Those are the minutes that I can't handle.

Last night I dreamt that Amber had gone to camp with me, and then my father had showed up. It was so real, like I was being given one last chance to spend with her. The scenic beauty that surrounded us, hearing her laugh at my corny jokes, sitting together making fun of every body. Waking up to reality is so upseting.

Side Note: I'm reading a book right now titled Every Day Deserves A Chance. Good book. It has really been helping a lot. It talks simply about eacha dn every day that we live on this earth is another day that God has made and it deserves the chance to be a good day. But on days like today I wonder if they even have a chance. I wish I could apprecaite those dreams as so many of you out there do. I wish that I could find comfort, but I'm just so selfish.

It's been almost a year and the forecast is still gloomy, the pain isn't any less real. I was told that only time could heal. I'm not sure healing is part of this process. I think its more of a coming to grips with this new normal. Sorry to be so sad, I will make the next blog a postive one.

The New Norm

The thought behind this whole blog was really an exploration of me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and everything in between finding my new norm. When you lose someone close to you, your life shatters that instance. When you decide that you're ready to return to the world (broken and devastated) it's time to start piecing everything back together again. Slowly the grieving process begins. You're confused, hurt, sad. You start searching for answers only to find that your appetite is one that can't be filled. You read the books, you go to the support groups, you do the blogging. You become angry, the resentment sets in, you start to ask God why, at times you blame God. Throughout this past almost year it has been one crazy installment to my so called life. I wish I had answers to everyone's questions, I wish I had words of encouragement for those who are still hurting, I wish I could be a light to those searching in the darkness.

But this is the new norm whether you like or not. Your choices are limited. You either choose to keep going or you can quit. Seeing people quit around me has been one of the most difficult parts of the entire process. Throughout the next couple of weeks I want to explore what the new norm is like. For those of you out there who have experienced a loss you know how difficult it can be, how much the new norm can help you appreciate the world around you, the good the bad and the in between that comes with the life you have chosen to go on with.For those of you out there who haven't experienced something like this I hope and pray that you never have to. But the realist in me knows that on a long enough time line disaster is going to enter the picture and when it does I hope this blog and be somewhat a comfort (if any can be found).

Unpretending

"People who pretend have pretend relationships."
~Mike Yaconelli

One of my least favorite things about being a minister is causal conversation (yes I realize that this probably extends into most occupations out there, but I always assumed it would be different here). Let me explain, my job is to help a busy world try to be spiritual while try to remain spiritual myself. If you can't be honest with the guy who is trying to help, in a place set on helping then who can you be honest with and where can you do it?

I don't mind small talk... What I'm not a huge fan of is when you ask someone how they are and then you're slapped in the face with "fine," and if you're lucky you get the cordial "and how are you." (This theoretically isn't an inappropriate response, but when "fine" becomes the mask you wear to make the world think you're making it.) Try it. Ask people how they are doing. You probablly do yourself, a lot, I know I do. You'll get a lot of fines. Not many people are "fine." It doesn't add up.

"There is no room for pretending in the spiritual life. Unfortunately, in many religious circles, there exists an unwritten rule. Pretend. Act like God is in control when you don't believe he is. Give the impression everything is okay in your life when it's not. Pretend you believe when you doubt; hide your imperfections; maintain the image of a perfect marriage with healthy and well-adjusted children when your family is like any other normal dysfunctional family. And whatever you do, don't admit that you sin."

~ Yaconelli

I say this because I pretend. I pretend everything is all right when it's not. I pretend like I'm strong when I'm weak. I pretend like I've got it together when I'm falling apart. We can't make it in this word pretending. The only way to get better is to open up. To show the word your a mess and hope there is someone out there who can help, and if there isn't at least you tried. I didn't blog for two months because I was pretending. I bottled it up, while tonight I will let it spill out...

"But the truth is, we are all a mess. None of us is who we appear to be. We all have secrets. We all have issues. We all struggle from time to time. No one is perfect. Not one."

~ Yaconelli

(I might regret saying this one day, but for now) be honest. When someone asks you how you are doing, tell them the truth. You might lose a 'friend' or two but they were never really you're friends. Make them regret aking you how you're doing. Start unpretending.

Unfolding Your Deck Chair

"One of my favorite Peanuts cartoons shows Lucy sitting at her five-cent psychology booth when Charlie Brown stops for advice. “Life is like a deck chair, Charlie Brown,” she says. “On the cruise ship of life, some people place their chair at the rear of the ship so they can see where they have been. Others place their chair at the front of the ship so they can see where they are going.”

The good doctor Lucy looks at the puzzled Charlie Brown and asks, “Which way is your deck chair facing?”

Without hesitation Charlie replies glumly, "I can't even get my deck chair unfolded."

Charlie and I are soul mates."

Quoted from Messy Spirituality

happy birthday...

Let me start by saying, I'm not a huge of birthdays. Never have been, not exactly sure why. I guess it could be the fact that I don't eat cake, I'm not hugely fond of large celebrations, and don't really the awkwardness of getting presents. But the one thing that always made me smile on my birthday was that early morning phone call. The one that wakes you up wondering, what kind of person is awake at this hour.

Amber was always the first person to wish me a happy birthday, she would call me and sing at the top of her lungs and "Happy Birthday Little Brother" (even though I was turning 2 years older than she was). But it was always my fondest memory and my birthday.

Life Goes On...

Life goes on. I say this somewhat reluctantly. Also I say this not so much for encouragement but because after tragedy strikes there is other choice. Life goes on. Though there are times were this may not feel to be the case, the moments when time can move no slower, the times when you wish things like time didn’t exist; life goes on. Months roll by, I add anther book to the bereavement section of my library but the pain is still real. I guess when I think about it, I don’t know why I thought it would go away or get better. Life doesn’t seemed so concerned with my problems, not once has this world slowed down and asked, “I wonder how that Ross Vego is doing?” I guess life just has better things to be doing on a Tuesday night…

This blog post needs an uplifting spin. I look back and search for the positive in my life. I no longer take the gift of life for granted, I can’t express in words how much I realize this or how often I think about it. I always worried about my family, losing one of my parents or a grandparent but I was so foolish to think that Amber was going to be with me forever; that she would always be me crutch through the tough times and someone to laugh with through the good times (I know there are so many others out there that feel exactly the same way. I always felt she was invincible.). But now I can begin to grasp the just how quickly life is given and taken away from us. How childish we are in thinking that it’s ours to do as we please with. I say again like I have said to so many of you, take nothing for granted. Cherish the moments, the seconds you have with those you love. Call someone you haven’t talked to in awhile. Tell people you love them even if you think they know. Never miss out on an opportunity you think some day you might regret.