Unpretending

"People who pretend have pretend relationships."
~Mike Yaconelli

One of my least favorite things about being a minister is causal conversation (yes I realize that this probably extends into most occupations out there, but I always assumed it would be different here). Let me explain, my job is to help a busy world try to be spiritual while try to remain spiritual myself. If you can't be honest with the guy who is trying to help, in a place set on helping then who can you be honest with and where can you do it?

I don't mind small talk... What I'm not a huge fan of is when you ask someone how they are and then you're slapped in the face with "fine," and if you're lucky you get the cordial "and how are you." (This theoretically isn't an inappropriate response, but when "fine" becomes the mask you wear to make the world think you're making it.) Try it. Ask people how they are doing. You probablly do yourself, a lot, I know I do. You'll get a lot of fines. Not many people are "fine." It doesn't add up.

"There is no room for pretending in the spiritual life. Unfortunately, in many religious circles, there exists an unwritten rule. Pretend. Act like God is in control when you don't believe he is. Give the impression everything is okay in your life when it's not. Pretend you believe when you doubt; hide your imperfections; maintain the image of a perfect marriage with healthy and well-adjusted children when your family is like any other normal dysfunctional family. And whatever you do, don't admit that you sin."

~ Yaconelli

I say this because I pretend. I pretend everything is all right when it's not. I pretend like I'm strong when I'm weak. I pretend like I've got it together when I'm falling apart. We can't make it in this word pretending. The only way to get better is to open up. To show the word your a mess and hope there is someone out there who can help, and if there isn't at least you tried. I didn't blog for two months because I was pretending. I bottled it up, while tonight I will let it spill out...

"But the truth is, we are all a mess. None of us is who we appear to be. We all have secrets. We all have issues. We all struggle from time to time. No one is perfect. Not one."

~ Yaconelli

(I might regret saying this one day, but for now) be honest. When someone asks you how you are doing, tell them the truth. You might lose a 'friend' or two but they were never really you're friends. Make them regret aking you how you're doing. Start unpretending.

Unfolding Your Deck Chair

"One of my favorite Peanuts cartoons shows Lucy sitting at her five-cent psychology booth when Charlie Brown stops for advice. “Life is like a deck chair, Charlie Brown,” she says. “On the cruise ship of life, some people place their chair at the rear of the ship so they can see where they have been. Others place their chair at the front of the ship so they can see where they are going.”

The good doctor Lucy looks at the puzzled Charlie Brown and asks, “Which way is your deck chair facing?”

Without hesitation Charlie replies glumly, "I can't even get my deck chair unfolded."

Charlie and I are soul mates."

Quoted from Messy Spirituality

happy birthday...

Let me start by saying, I'm not a huge of birthdays. Never have been, not exactly sure why. I guess it could be the fact that I don't eat cake, I'm not hugely fond of large celebrations, and don't really the awkwardness of getting presents. But the one thing that always made me smile on my birthday was that early morning phone call. The one that wakes you up wondering, what kind of person is awake at this hour.

Amber was always the first person to wish me a happy birthday, she would call me and sing at the top of her lungs and "Happy Birthday Little Brother" (even though I was turning 2 years older than she was). But it was always my fondest memory and my birthday.

Life Goes On...

Life goes on. I say this somewhat reluctantly. Also I say this not so much for encouragement but because after tragedy strikes there is other choice. Life goes on. Though there are times were this may not feel to be the case, the moments when time can move no slower, the times when you wish things like time didn’t exist; life goes on. Months roll by, I add anther book to the bereavement section of my library but the pain is still real. I guess when I think about it, I don’t know why I thought it would go away or get better. Life doesn’t seemed so concerned with my problems, not once has this world slowed down and asked, “I wonder how that Ross Vego is doing?” I guess life just has better things to be doing on a Tuesday night…

This blog post needs an uplifting spin. I look back and search for the positive in my life. I no longer take the gift of life for granted, I can’t express in words how much I realize this or how often I think about it. I always worried about my family, losing one of my parents or a grandparent but I was so foolish to think that Amber was going to be with me forever; that she would always be me crutch through the tough times and someone to laugh with through the good times (I know there are so many others out there that feel exactly the same way. I always felt she was invincible.). But now I can begin to grasp the just how quickly life is given and taken away from us. How childish we are in thinking that it’s ours to do as we please with. I say again like I have said to so many of you, take nothing for granted. Cherish the moments, the seconds you have with those you love. Call someone you haven’t talked to in awhile. Tell people you love them even if you think they know. Never miss out on an opportunity you think some day you might regret.

Laughing Again

I was reading through Bonnie's blog (http://sweetcarolinebaby.blogspot.com) the other day and found she had stumbled upon something hugely important, happiness. The times when I am genuinely happy aren't quite as often as I would like them to be and to top that off when one of these glimpses of happiness arises, guilt sets in. It seems to be a struggle that most grievers face; the guilt of laughing again. I found a quote in I wasn't ready to say Goodbye that I wanted to share,


"At times, it's hard to laugh - we feel guilty for "going on." We wonder if our laughing makes our grief less real - if our memories will fade - if people will think we don't miss the deceased.

If only there were rules to grief, how much easier it would be. Laughter and happiness can become haunting. How should we look? How should we act? If we look like we are having fun, what might people think? Is it okay to just forget for a while - to try and escape what has happened?

The answers are all within your heart. There is nothing you need to do, or act like, for the sake of others. Don't worry about how anyone perceives you. It's alright to escape for a while, to watch a comedy - to laugh. Remember, the person who has passed on is one who would wish you nothing but the best. Your laughter becomes their laughter as well."


So often I feel like the man in the picture, wearing a mask for the world to see. A mask that shows that I'm happy again, laughing once more but inside there is a struggle. Is it right for me to laugh, is it too soon? I think it might be time. Time to stop hating life and start enjoying it, time to stop feeling guilty and start feeling free, time to cry less and to start laughing again. And if you aren't there yet, that's okay. I'm not sure I'm there yet either but I'm hopeful that someday I will be there.

Birds of Sorrow

"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair." ~ Chinese Proverb

Harriet Sarnoff Schiff said, "Unless we are suicidal, we have no alternative." So here we are, with a choice. No, not the choice to live or take our own life, but the choice wether we live or just exist.

When we loss someone who means so much to us we find it hard to find the motivation to keep living. So many of us choose to opt out and begin just existing. There are so people out there who have choose this lifestyle of barely getting by. They eat, sleep, go to work, and functioning but inside they're hollow. So often I feel I wake up and exist; I want to live.

The Invisible Blanket

"There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would take to one another and not to me." ~ C. S. Lewis

"Grief sometimes changes a person's lifestyle and personality. Pain becomes overwhelming. There is a feeling of dejection, a loss of interest, and inhibition of activities, panic, hostility toward one's self, and other signs of low self-esteem."

"Our society conditions is to be quiet in the face of death. Doctors and nurses often so not talk about it. Death is made to seem like something which we should be ashamed. Self-esteem is lost. We are hurt. And "maybe I'm to blame."

"Immediately after the funeral, a grieving person often withdraws to himself. He may not go to work. He may not go to church. He usually avoids social activities. "No, no, no. I don't want to go. I'm not interested! I just don't have any purpose in life any more. I don't feel like getting up in the morning. I don't feel like cooking. There's no one to cook for. What's the use." ~ Bill Flatt

As I go back and look through these books I find myself wanting to be better but continually coming up short. I want to place myself in one these stages of grief so I can know how I am progressing or regressing for that matter is concerned. But I can't. I don't know where to start. I feel though six months later I should see some progress to finding this new norm of mine but I'm not sure that I am. I know I can pretend like I am when I need to. Maybe that's what its all about, I really don't think it is. You see these people who lost loved ones long before I was ever born and you hear the stories you should have have seen them before... I coming to think that this new norm may not be what I am hoping for.

Bill Flatt in his book Growing through Grief had this to offer, "If you are at a low point now, hang on. You cannot go any lower when you hit bottom. And time may help you a great deal. Depression tends to go in cycles. God has given you additional life; He wants you to use it. There will be plenty of time to die "when your time comes.""

"Think of it this way: If you had died before your loved one, how would you want your loved ones to react? You would want them to Express sorrow at the loss, to respect and appreciate your memory, and then to go on with their lives. That's what I want you to do. As one widower in one of our groups said, "I suddenly realized that I have some more leaves in my book to write." And you do, too. It takes strength and courage to write them, but you can do it. And you will be glad you did."

I'm hanging on but not by much. I smile but I'm not sure what for. I laugh but its out politeness. I pray that I'll never see the bottom again but life shows no favoritism. And if this is depression I hope its more like chicken pox than cancer. I hope that you go through it once and then are immune to it opposed to being something that I will struggle with the rest of my life. But what I want more than anything is just the capability to live life once again. I know life will never be the same and I am prepared to handle that. But like in that first quote I want to know how to remove this blanket that lies in between me and the rest of the world.